Everything I Know About Baseball I Learned From Watching Movies: A Letter to Stan Kasten


Dear Mr. Kasten,

The 2009 baseball season is halfway over and one thing has become highly apparent when it comes to the Washington Nationals.  This team seriously lacks pitching, especially in the bullpen.  While the roster may feature a few promising young arms like Jordan Zimmermann and John Lannan, there is still plenty of work that needs to be done.  I realize that the farm system is incredibly thin and progress with Stephen Strasburg isn’t looking that good but I have a few suggestions on how you can find a few diamonds in the rough.  If there is one thing that rivals my love for baseball it has to be my love for cinema and thankfully my two worlds have finally had the chance to collide.  As the President of a Major League Baseball franchise, you are probably already well aware that high schools are an excellent source of young talent but everyone has been pumping that well for years.  If you really want to make a genius move, you’ll scout the local Middle Schools for awkwardly clumsy pre-teens who are just a simple broken arm away from a 102 mph fastball.  You may think that’s absurd but then again so did the Cubs and I didn’t see them complaining when Henry Rowengartner led them to the World Series Championship.

Not thrilled with that suggestion?  How about you stay in the school system and search for washed up teachers who still somehow manage to throw high heat.  Given the high rate for minor league failure, it’s entirely possibly that America’s floundering education system could be swimming with talent.  And unlike Strasburg, you don’t have to worry about being able to sign these diamonds in the rough because with the failing economy and rock bottom wages that teachers make today, they’ll be willing to sign for peanuts…..literally.  The best thing about this is should this experiment not work you can always reassign these guys to teach English to the few remaining Latin American prospects Jim Bowden didn’t steal money from.  It’s a win-win scenario!

If all else fails I only have one more word for you in order to save this pitching staff.  Chimpanzees.  Didn’t see the movie Ed?  Don’t worry, nobody did but at the rate things are going in Washington, it couldn’t be any worse.

Thank you for your time and I eagerly await the check I deserve as new Director of Scouting.  Until then, I’ll be diligently reviewing game tape at my local Blockbuster Video.

Sincerely,

Kevin David

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Tags: Bullpen Jim Bowden John Lannan Jordan Zimmermann Pitching Stan Kasten Stephen Strasburg

  • Hoffman

    Best, idea, ever.

  • Kevin David

    I know I’d pay money to see a chimpanzee pitch