Washington Nationals: Santa Claus’ 2017 gift list revealed
By Ron Juckett
A closer and satirical look at what certain Washington Nationals players, and you, got for Christmas. Happy Holidays from us at District on Deck!
Through sources sworn to secrecy, District on Deck has received Santa Claus’ exclusive gift list for the Washington Nationals.
As the big jolly red icon lifted off his sleigh pad Sunday morning, certain egg-nog-fueled staffers distributed mimeographs of the master lists. In a panic, Santa’s wife Bertha, pleaded for an embargo on the gifts until an appropriate time. We feel enough hours passed to reveal the details.
Overall, all the Nats players made the good list in 2017. Some deep at Santa headquarters reveal Adam Eaton’s placement came at the last minute pending an exhaustive investigation into pig-tail pulling on school buses during his younger years. Results were inconclusive.
This is the first time in 10 years the team cleared the good list. Last year, Daniel Murphy’s insistence in watering down sunflower seeds was bad. Rule changes made at this year’s Santa Conference turned the act from naughty to indifferent.
Those who received socks and underwear from Santa, such as Wilmer Difo and Erick Fedde are not included. In a stunning surprise, Ryan Zimmerman’s request for a new Lexus in a bow was declined. He will get instead the Hot Wheels equivalent with matching red ribbon and portable parking garage with a car wash.
Anthony Rendon’s request for year-round egg nog was also squashed. Instead, he got an autographed Trea Turner Fathead doll. You know, his favorite player.
Our harrowing journey home from the North Pole must remain a secret, but the memory of those chimney brooms will last a lifetime. Enjoy the list.