Washington Nationals: Santa Claus' 2017 gift list revealed

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A closer and satirical look at what certain Washington Nationals players, and you, got for Christmas. Happy Holidays from us at District on Deck!

Through sources sworn to secrecy, District on Deck has received Santa Claus’ exclusive gift list for the Washington Nationals.

As the big jolly red icon lifted off his sleigh pad Sunday morning, certain egg-nog-fueled staffers distributed mimeographs of the master lists. In a panic, Santa’s wife Bertha, pleaded for an embargo on the gifts until an appropriate time. We feel enough hours passed to reveal the details.

Overall, all the Nats players made the good list in 2017. Some deep at Santa headquarters reveal Adam Eaton’s placement came at the last minute pending an exhaustive investigation into pig-tail pulling on school buses during his younger years. Results were inconclusive.

This is the first time in 10 years the team cleared the good list. Last year, Daniel Murphy’s insistence in watering down sunflower seeds was bad. Rule changes made at this year’s Santa Conference turned the act from naughty to indifferent.

Those who received socks and underwear from Santa, such as Wilmer Difo and Erick Fedde are not included. In a stunning surprise, Ryan Zimmerman’s request for a new Lexus in a bow was declined. He will get instead the Hot Wheels equivalent with matching red ribbon and portable parking garage with a car wash.

Anthony Rendon’s request for year-round egg nog was also squashed. Instead, he got an autographed Trea Turner Fathead doll. You know, his favorite player.

Our harrowing journey home from the North Pole must remain a secret, but the memory of those chimney brooms will last a lifetime. Enjoy the list.

HARPER, MURPHY GET NEW CONTRACTS

In Bryce Harper and Murphy’s stocking are healthy contract extensions.

Our sources reveal Santa was aghast at the request, especially Harper’s seven-year, $280 million deal. Claus, 2019-years-old, suggested $500 in McDonald’s gift certificates instead in singles. After a quick reminder of Jennifer Lopez’s repeated jewelry requests, Santa signed off.

“Still, wouldn’t he rather have shamrock shakes?” asked Santa.

After signing Manny Machado’s free agency request, he filled Murphy’s stocking with an extension.

With both sides requesting privacy, no terms were released. Elves said massive gnashing of teeth was detected in the Borough of Queens and certain households on Staten Island.

Representatives from Santa’s accountants hope no one focuses on any wire transactions from the Cayman Islands on Tuesday.

Kris Bryant has no comment on the story, but sources at Mario Kart say they have a tenfold increase in requests for extra banana peels from certain IP addresses around Wrigley Field.

Unlike the Zimmerman’s, an object wrapped in paper with a bright-red ribbon is reported headed to a driveway in Harper’s neighborhood. Reportedly, “To her” is on the oversized tag borrowed from The Price is Right.

For the Murphy’s, not only are they content but they are sending Santa a DVD on improved launch angles and sleigh speed as a thank you.

STRASBURG GETS THIRST AID

Elves and Santa disagreed until loading time on the decision for a year supply of Gatorade for Stephen Strasburg.

Santa needed a reminder the famous drink is no longer sold in glass bottles as before. He asked about several boxes of Gatorgum instead for the cramp-prone ace, but was told they had not made a batch of that since the early 1980s. (Sniff.)

Strasburg received an assortment of flavors. Orange, lemon-lime, grape, fruit punch and Cy Young winner. When asked about the unusual drink, Rudolph responded:

“It’s metallic and shiny. Electroplating tastes wonderful in certain situations.”

We learned not to trust anything said by talking reindeer after that.

Sources close to the Nats tell us they hope this helps with Strasburg’s cramps. Legend says every 20th bottle of the oddly flavored drink contains an actual National League Cy Young Award.

Surprisingly, Max Scherzer buys a 12-pack of the stuff every September. Coincidence? We think not.

Strasburg reportedly asked for Shamrock Shakes and the Hot Wheels garage. He was told to visit the Zimmerman’s.

DIAPERS FOR SCHERZER

A new father, several cases of diapers made their way to the Scherzer residence this Christmas.

With a baby girl joining Max and Erica, the Scherzer parents wanted a good night’s sleep for Christmas. Santa, fed up with endless requests for comfort, showed his sadistic side by denying the sleep and sending several cases of biodegradable baby undergarments instead.

Santa offered to sell the baby, Brooklyn, a bridge. Mrs. Clause whacked him with a newspaper, telling reporters later, “Sometimes the old man puts more whisky than egg nog in his glass.”

Tucked in the endless supply of Pampers heaven were bones and cat treats for the family’s noted foster pets.

Scherzer had no comment about his other request for Gatorade being denied. Reportedly, the three empty bottles on top of the fireplace were pointed out to Scherzer.

“He’s had enough.” A disgruntled elf said, wearing a Chicago Cubs hat. Santa, sporting a Giancarlo Stanton New York Yankees jersey, had no comment. When we asked about the autographed picture of Santa hugging Clayton Kershaw, we were immediately whisked away.

FOR YOU A PARADE

Santa will leave vouchers for all of you to attend a championship parade this November.

More from District on Deck

Like the furniture stores who promise a house of free stuff if teams sweep the World Series, everything depends on Washington does. But, as with all gifts, it is the thought that counts.

In all seriousness, regardless of which holiday you celebrate, we want to take a moment and thank you for a remarkable and wonderful 2018.

A quarter-million of you took the time to read what we wrote this year. Some of it good, some not. For those we see on social media, on YouTube and take the time to seek us out. A sincere thank you. We would not have broken a million page views this year without you.

Please forgive the silliness above. We deal with seriousness and speculation all the time as that is our job. Occasionally, we get the excuse to play. (I enjoy it.)

Whether you are home with family or stationed overseas, we hope this holiday season finds you happy and healthy. We are thinking about you.

Next: What to make from Ollie?

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and hopefully there will be a championship parade this fall on the Mall!

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Washington Nationals: Santa Claus’ 2017 gift list revealed